Remember You

Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world? That must be so confusing for a little girl. And I know you're going to need me here with you. But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too. This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy, and I need to save you, but who's going to save me? Please forgive me for whatever I do when I don't remember you. I can feel myself slipping away. I can't remember what it made me say. But I remember that I saw you frown. I swear it wasn't me, it was the crown.

.Old

Come on

Spell

All of your

One thousand names

.DreamtOfFear

I had another dream.

You were there.

It was a huge salon, as huge as a mall.

I knew you were there.

Having your Christmas meals,

with other people.

I sneaked to the 1F through the back stairs.

I was searching for you from the heights, from the upper corridor.

I guess I saw you.

So small, so distant.

There was blue everywhere.

Blue and silver and sparkles.

And a giant Christmas tree.

And you called me I guess.

And maybe I answered yet I kept hiding between strangers.

I was a coward.

I let you go.

I lost you.

.Index

I'm a collector

I collect anything I find,

I never throw anything

away that's mine..

Night.Mares.

They're always here.

But last night they were so damn stressing.

My head was in pain.

While sleeping and when I

woke up.

Ahhh it hurts, I really hurts!!!!

It still hurts!!!!!! 

----

PART I

I was home and Mom wanted me to go to a family party. Everybody was getting ready, everybody was stressed, as every time there's an event. I obviously didn't want to go, but this time I accepted and I was just pretending it was ok for me to wear a stupid greenish dress and weird elegant shoes. I looked out the window and my aunts and cousins (which I haven't met since grandpa's death) were there in their cars and downstairs waiting for us, and even my aunt (the one whose name I don't want to mention..) was also there doing her makeup and hair. Then I realized my socks (yeah.. my socks.. for some reason this dress required doll/like socks, just like when I was a young girl and wore doll-like dresses for parties), so I was really worried about it and started to stress because I was not wearing socks. So mom started to scold me and yell at me, so I exploded and said.. "OK then I'm not going, I'll stay here and you can go without me to your stupid party!" Then she started to cry and got really mad, I remember I looked downstairs and all my aunts and uncles were vert upset and were looking at me while saying "Oh I cannot believe it, what a terrible girl, she's so damn rude and antisocial!" And mom kept saying how disappointed she was about me and my choise. And I felt terrible, too.. because I did have the will to go at first despite my weird rejection to parties and gatherings.. and now it was all gone because of them and those stupid socks. I could see my aunt, who at first said she was not going as she's "too much for those people" throw a horrible glance at me and grab her purse as she walked to the family's cars outside.

----

PART 2

Suddenly I was in the public restroom #1, one of the three or four I always dream about (another reason to believe I may be watching another me's life through my dreams.. I've never seen these bathrooms in real life yet they repeat in my dreams..). This restroom is weird and the walls of the cubicles are really short. It's dark and really dirty. There's no toilet paper and the pots are clogged. It really smells. The walls and floor mosaic are wet and dirty, the doors don't close and there are even cubicles with no door at all and someone has to stay there to cover the person inside using it. There's always lots of people and kids waiting in line to use this restroom. I don't know where it's located. Anyway, back to the point. I was in this restroom in a doorless cubicle, mom was covering while I was inside. My family members were outside in line and in other cubicles. Then mom was mad and scolding me for something, she left the place and left me there uncovered. Everybody saw me peeing and cleaning my butt. 

----

PART 3

I stayed home. It was so empty, so silent, so calm. I was feeling sad because of the previous mess I caused, but at the same time it felt safe and peaceful.. I could watch tv and get off those ugly shoes and eat whatever I wanted. Just the way I like it. Then I heard sounds in the backyard. I went out and found a cat inside my hen's house, trapped, hurting her. So I opened its ceiling and I jumped off and climbed the wall, leaving. I immediately held my hen, carefully, as she was weak and bleeding. I carried her inside the house and suddenly it was no longer my baby hen, it was a chinese teen girl who was crying and bleeding. She was saying she was going to die and  other things, as I tried to convince her to let me cure her wounds with a first aids set I bought when I was a child. Then we heard a sound coming from the kitchen door, we turned around and we saw a huge shadow in the upper window, and she said "OMG is that a bear!?" and I said "Yes, that's a bear and someone else!" So I grabbed her carefully  as if she was a little baby, and carried

her to my room, and by this moment there was a man with us sitting in the sofa. I don't know who he was but he was with us (all the time, tho I couldn't feel his presence until this moment) so he walked right away to my room with is, where I looked through the window and there was indeed a big dark bear and a tall hunter standing next to it, looking at us. So the man told us to run to the next room and bathroom and yell from

those windows to attrack the bear's attention then he would shoot him from that distance (yes, now he had a riffle and resembled much like Leon the professional, tho I still couldnt see nor identify his face). Then in the bathroom he grabbed the girl and we started yelling thus the bear didn't seem to react, so the man took a new 2L CocaCola bottle from

nowhere (yeah, weird..) and threw it to the backyard hoping the bear and hunter would hear the sound of it exploding and would get wet and sticky with it (and get the perfect chance to shoot them), so as he did it I changed my mind and grabbed the girl, I held her close to my chest as I ran to the next room and looked through the window.. then I heard the bear and the hunter approaching and when I looked down to the downstairs backyard I could see lots of armed men coming out from my aunt's dept.. then they looked up and saw us.. they said something I cannot remember.. there were gunshots.. from the Leon in the bathroom and the men downstairs.. and the hunter.. I held the girl thight and hide under the window.. I saw everything exploding.. the sound was really loud and I could see my chinese girl holding her head and screaming.. 

I woke up. My head was hurting a lot.

The right ones.

You said "the right ones", didn't you?

So, are you one of them?

Will you stay..?

Will you REALLY stay..?

Fuck off, my delight. 

. Full Stop

What does that even mean..?

Anyway, do u even care?

I don't think so.

It is just

a g a m e .

Breath. Rewind.

Rewind.

and a stranger speaking.

and a stranger complaining. 

and a stranger so rude.

and a stranger so cynical.

and a stranger so random.

and a stranger so unfamiliar.

and a stranger so liar.

and my hands shaking.

Rewind.

and my skin so cold.

Rewind.

and my breath gone.

Rewind.

and my voice like a robot.

Rewind.

and my vision blurry.

Rewind.

and my mind dizzy.

Rewind.

and my entire being in shock.

Rewind.

and my cheeks so wet.

Rewind.

and my eyes drowning.

Rewind.

and my body running.

Away.

Escaping.

and my self dead.

Finally.

Again.

And here I am.

Once again.

After the price.

After the failure.

I got everything I wanted.

Even more and better.

I opened the presents today.

It was a happy day.

Everybody was there.

Yet I feel like shit.

I am like shit.

Death

I HATE DEATH!!!!!!!

i want

maybe i just want you to be that person

the person you are not

the person you will never be 

next to you

you and me

spending time

together

you and me

talking about random things

playing with our hands

you and me

staring at the roof

feeling the wind from the fan

you and me

laughing

feeling the heath

you and me

falling asleep

getting quiet

staring at the fan..

then you turn and look at me..

your hand on my face..

your thumb on my lips..

your light brown eyes.. so deep.. 

or maybe..

or maybe.. am i the one who needs you? i wonder if it's you, the one who's here to help me get out of this hole.. what are you here for? why did you come into my life? what is that important thing you gotta teach me?

if it's you..

i wonder if it's you.. if you need me.. if there's still something i can do to help you.. so you become a better person, a better man, a better human being.. if you're lost into the nothing, if you're too lonely to keep on, if you need someone to rest your head on and be yourself.. and remember the freedom of being the kid you used to be.. i wonder if it's you, if you still need me, i wonder what's the meaning of my presence in your life.. why we met.. why.. why..

Real

And in that very moment, I wondered if it was real. Because it felt real.

As we were in the bed.. you touched my face.. you said those words.. and you kissed me.. aaaah your smell.. it's sooo good.. it's soooo you.. 

Is it real?

Breathe

Whatever the answer is, I feel great. I have a new book, they said nice things about me.. AND THE FUCKING MANAGER GAVE ME A BOOK.. from her purse.. about romania.. aaah :')! 

So whatever the answer is, I'll just breathe.. because if it doesn't open it's not my door. 

If They Only Cared

If they only cared.. not like I care because you're my daughter, or I care because you helped me in the hardest times, or I care because I like you and want to fuck you, or I care because I just want to fuck you, or I care because I want you to stop complaining, or I care because I want you to shut up, or I care because I have to care, or I care because I have to say I care.. NO. If only someone would REALLY care for NO reason.. or for the simple reason that is ME.. 

Down Again

I see it coming again.. more days of painful sadness, desperation, frustration, hopelesness, irritation, depression..  I see it coming.

Just Another Interview

I should be sleeping by now. But I can't. I don't want to. I can't stop writting. 

I just don't want to wake up to find myself alone.

I just don't want to wake up to remember how much they don't care. 

I just don't want to wake up to endure a hard and tiring day. 

I just don't want to wake up to pretend I'm this person. I'm tired of pretending. 

I just don't want to wake up to be rejected. 

I just don't want to wake up to get attached to something I hate. 

What if they find out..? 

I just want to switch off the future right now. 

1.4 The Dreams

I tend to dream crazy stuff. Like stories with a plot and ending. Drama and death. There are times when I don't even feel like recalling them or worse, writting about them. So, as I've changed a lot in these years, I won't write anything regarding those uggly and terrifying nightmares. Only the dreams I feel the urge to document (heck yeah, that word is so cool now! can't wait to hear the song tehehe) 

----

Edit: I may write most of them now. Or else they're gonna kill me. I can't hold it any longer.

1.3 Who You Are

So I'm gonna write about You. Yes. You. Who is You? Well, it's very simple. You could be You, You, or You. Maybe Myself, too, but it's more likely to be You. So, if You are reading this, think twice, because it could be about You from time to time. 

1.2 The Reader

Hello, dear reader.

Thank you for stopping by. 

Whoever you are.

You are all I have. 

Or not. 

1.1 The Birdman

Why. Because of this one movie. As I was watching it I knew I had to write again. Because I, too, have a birdman behind me.. talking to me.. all the time. And it's annoying. I realized I need to write, or I'll end up jumping off the window, or the roof, or the bridge. 

1

So.. here we are.. It's been years since I last wrote something.. since he passed away. I was so afraid about writing about him and I thought I had to. But this time it's gonna be different. I am not the same person, I am not what I used to be. Now I don't   care. Even if this shitty blog brings death to my house again, to myself. I've lost so many things, I just don't care anymore. I gave up a long time ago. I accepted death. We're all already dead anyway. So here we are, here I am. For now. Hello words.