Death

I HATE DEATH!!!!!!!

i want

maybe i just want you to be that person

the person you are not

the person you will never be 

next to you

you and me

spending time

together

you and me

talking about random things

playing with our hands

you and me

staring at the roof

feeling the wind from the fan

you and me

laughing

feeling the heath

you and me

falling asleep

getting quiet

staring at the fan..

then you turn and look at me..

your hand on my face..

your thumb on my lips..

your light brown eyes.. so deep.. 

or maybe..

or maybe.. am i the one who needs you? i wonder if it's you, the one who's here to help me get out of this hole.. what are you here for? why did you come into my life? what is that important thing you gotta teach me?

if it's you..

i wonder if it's you.. if you need me.. if there's still something i can do to help you.. so you become a better person, a better man, a better human being.. if you're lost into the nothing, if you're too lonely to keep on, if you need someone to rest your head on and be yourself.. and remember the freedom of being the kid you used to be.. i wonder if it's you, if you still need me, i wonder what's the meaning of my presence in your life.. why we met.. why.. why..

Real

And in that very moment, I wondered if it was real. Because it felt real.

As we were in the bed.. you touched my face.. you said those words.. and you kissed me.. aaaah your smell.. it's sooo good.. it's soooo you.. 

Is it real?

Breathe

Whatever the answer is, I feel great. I have a new book, they said nice things about me.. AND THE FUCKING MANAGER GAVE ME A BOOK.. from her purse.. about romania.. aaah :')! 

So whatever the answer is, I'll just breathe.. because if it doesn't open it's not my door. 

If They Only Cared

If they only cared.. not like I care because you're my daughter, or I care because you helped me in the hardest times, or I care because I like you and want to fuck you, or I care because I just want to fuck you, or I care because I want you to stop complaining, or I care because I want you to shut up, or I care because I have to care, or I care because I have to say I care.. NO. If only someone would REALLY care for NO reason.. or for the simple reason that is ME.. 

Down Again

I see it coming again.. more days of painful sadness, desperation, frustration, hopelesness, irritation, depression..  I see it coming.

Just Another Interview

I should be sleeping by now. But I can't. I don't want to. I can't stop writting. 

I just don't want to wake up to find myself alone.

I just don't want to wake up to remember how much they don't care. 

I just don't want to wake up to endure a hard and tiring day. 

I just don't want to wake up to pretend I'm this person. I'm tired of pretending. 

I just don't want to wake up to be rejected. 

I just don't want to wake up to get attached to something I hate. 

What if they find out..? 

I just want to switch off the future right now. 

1.4 The Dreams

I tend to dream crazy stuff. Like stories with a plot and ending. Drama and death. There are times when I don't even feel like recalling them or worse, writting about them. So, as I've changed a lot in these years, I won't write anything regarding those uggly and terrifying nightmares. Only the dreams I feel the urge to document (heck yeah, that word is so cool now! can't wait to hear the song tehehe) 

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Edit: I may write most of them now. Or else they're gonna kill me. I can't hold it any longer.

1.3 Who You Are

So I'm gonna write about You. Yes. You. Who is You? Well, it's very simple. You could be You, You, or You. Maybe Myself, too, but it's more likely to be You. So, if You are reading this, think twice, because it could be about You from time to time. 

1.2 The Reader

Hello, dear reader.

Thank you for stopping by. 

Whoever you are.

You are all I have. 

Or not. 

1.1 The Birdman

Why. Because of this one movie. As I was watching it I knew I had to write again. Because I, too, have a birdman behind me.. talking to me.. all the time. And it's annoying. I realized I need to write, or I'll end up jumping off the window, or the roof, or the bridge. 

1

So.. here we are.. It's been years since I last wrote something.. since he passed away. I was so afraid about writing about him and I thought I had to. But this time it's gonna be different. I am not the same person, I am not what I used to be. Now I don't   care. Even if this shitty blog brings death to my house again, to myself. I've lost so many things, I just don't care anymore. I gave up a long time ago. I accepted death. We're all already dead anyway. So here we are, here I am. For now. Hello words.